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The secret to finding balance within yourself.

Hands up if you’ve ever struggled to find balance?

Yeah, me too.

Finding the flow of work and rest.

Being and doing.

Playfulness and accomplishing goals.

Giving and receiving.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve found my flow, I’m surfing the highs and lows of life and other times…I’m pummeled by the waves just trying to keep my head above water.

Knowing we all have these masculine and feminine qualities within us, it can be difficult to bring these two polarities into balance on a daily basis. But finding the flow in your own soul might be the best kind of balance yet.  

Many of us tend to operate from our masculine (drive, do, confidence, power). We learned it at school and at work where masculine traits of logic, leadership, and accomplishment were rewarded.

Leading from our masculine works … until it doesn’t.

Being in a constant state of striving, doing, and achieving can quickly lead to burnout if we’re not mindful. After all, we’ve learned to go after what we want in life, so to bring in that sense of balance, we need to be in a more receptive and feminine space – which can feel scary because it’s unfamiliar. It’s difficult to trust that expressing our wild feminine (read: emotional selves) won’t lead to rejection or ridicule. That pausing for rest or play won’t put us in a state of inertia. But our feminine sides have powerful gifts to share when we learn to use them to balance the masculine striving.

For me, it’s been unraveling that striving/pushing/achieving work hustle and understanding that my worth isn’t tied to my productivity. That everything in nature happens in cycles and it’s okay for me to rest when I need to. Because I firmly believe that ‘alignment is the new hustle.’

Lately, I’ve been LOVING the free 21-day meditation series from Alicia Keys and Deepak Chopra. It’s about balancing the masculine and feminine energies within all of us and connecting to our divine feminine. It’s a topic that has been coming up for me in conversations with friends and as I learn to dive more into my feminine. I thought this could be the perfect opportunity for us to talk about these wounded parts of ourselves and really embrace our divine masculine and feminine.

These masculine and feminine archetypes go beyond cultural and gender norms. We all have yin/yang, sun/moon, shakti/shiva within us.

The world is slowly emerging from a wounded (toxic) patriarchal system where the feminine has been demonized, suppressed, and controlled. And while it’s easy to see what we want to reject from this system, it can be difficult to articulate the balance we seek when we’ve never seen it before. We know what it feels like to be tossed about by life, at the mercy of the waves, but how do we learn to get back on the surfboard again and stay there.

The place to begin is finding that balance within ourselves.

Here’s a quick recap of characteristics from the wounded masculine/feminine and the divine masculine/feminine.

Wounded MasculineDivine Masculine
Aggressive/violent
Arrogant
Controlling
Possessive
Suppress emotions
Entitled
Chauvinist
Misogynist
Extreme competitiveness
Cold/indifferent
Logic & reasoning
Goal-oriented
Generous/giving
Adventurous
Boundaried
Leadership
Responsible
Confident
Loyal
Strong
Decisive
Protective
Organized
Consciousness
Wounded FeminineDivine Feminine
People-pleasing
Martyr
Passive
Fragile/delicate/helpless
Hysterical
The gossip
The shrew
The drama queen
Manipulative
Coercive seductress
Intuitive
Receptive
Accepting
Creative
Compassionate
Nurturing
Wise
Forgiving
Empathic
Joyful
Healing

Healing begins with trust and surrender.

Trusting the parts of ourselves we’ve kept hidden.

Surrendering to the full experience of being human.

Ohhhh geez, do I struggle with those two words – trust and surrender.  

You too?

Every heartbreak and wounded story from our past means we have to consciously breathe through the fear to keep an open heart. To trust our instincts to connect. To surrender our walls and masks with the people who have earned the right to hear our story and allow ourselves to be seen.

But it’s not easy.

“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” Rumi

By embracing both our divine masculine and feminine archetypes we can learn to trust ourselves, listen to our intuition, and begin to heal wounded stories from our past.

Strength is balanced with gentleness.

Assertive leadership is balanced with humility and a willingness to listen.

Logic is balanced with intuitive wisdom.

It’s protectiveness that makes you feel safe – not smothered.

It’s a playfulness that honours joy without ignoring responsibility.

“I am a human being. Nothing human is alien to me.”  Terence

This dance of the divine masculine and feminine can be seen in our closest relationships.

When your partner shows up out of the blue with a bouquet of your favourite flowers do you receive them with joy (trust the good and surrender to being loved) or wonder what they did wrong (wounded story)?

If you’ve been used to the wounded masculine in relationships you can be wary of something that’s good and healthy when it shows up. We worry about ulterior motives.  We’re uncomfortable with a partner who takes the time to truly see us because as much as we all want to be seen we also want to be in control of what’s seen and when (surrender is harrrrrd).

Balance and healing, trust and surrender – it’s all mixed up together.

Trust the goodness when it shows up. Know that we are worthy of it.

Surrender to being seen and breathe through the vulnerability.

Maybe trust and surrender begin with getting really clear on what we want. We’re hypervigilant about the red flags (which can be life or death for a woman) but how many of us have stopped to consider what the green flags are? Meaning, what behaviours earn trust with you? How will you know it’s safe to surrender?

In yoga training, I was challenged to write a Bhavana about the kind of relationship I wanted to attract. I listed all kinds of qualities I was looking for – honest, kind, great communicator, etc.

The feedback I got was, “That’s a great start, Tammy, now get specific and concrete.” 

What does kindness actually look like on a mundane Tuesday morning? I had no idea.

Eventually, I allowed myself to lean into the specifics. He gets up early to put on the coffee, knows exactly how I take it, and brings it to me in bed with a gentle kiss on my forehead. This makes me feel loved and taken care of.

That kind of specificity allows us to recognize the qualities we’re looking for and help us communicate what we need to our partners.

Your turn.

Let’s dance with clarity and trust.

  1. What divine feminine traits do you recognize in yourself?
  2. What divine masculine traits do you recognize in yourself?
  3. How does your woundedness show up? How can you use the divine masculine or feminine qualities we all have access to, to balance the wounded parts?
    (For example, the divine masculine ability to set firm boundaries can balance the wounded feminine people-pleasing martyr. The divine feminine compassion can balance the wounded masculine indifference.)
  4. What are YOUR green flags? (get specific like my coffee example)
  5. Are there parts of your divine masculine or feminine you feel disconnected from? For each one you name list one step you could take to reconnect.
  6. Do you trust yourself in all areas of your life? What still needs to be healed to allow for greater self-trust?
  7. How do you feel about surrender? How do you know it’s safe to surrender? (be specific)

It takes work to honour our masculine and feminine, learn how they work together, balance each other and allow us to flow with the tides of life and relationships.

When we bring love into the parts of ourselves that are wounded we meet them with compassion and non-judgement…only then, can healing begin.

“Love liberates, it doesn’t bind.” – Maya Angelou

All that to say, be patient with yourself. It takes time to trust the parts of yourself that you’ve kept under lock and key. The more you trust yourself the more you’ll be able to trust and open your heart to those you love.

Be gentle with yourself. It takes courage to surrender (deep breath) and be truly, deeply seen by those who love you.

I believe in us.

I believe we can rewrite wounded stories and create new ones.

I believe that we can find balance.

After all, alignment is the new hustle.

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