Every Day After Lunch, Ed Would Wash Edna's Feet

Ed had severe osteoporosis. Edna's dementia had taken her ability to speak. And every single day, after lunch, Ed would gather a shallow bowl of warm water, a bit of soap, and a hand cloth, then crouch down to wash his wife's feet.

I was their caregiver. I watched this happen more times than I can count, and it still gets me teary just writing it down. When her feet were tended to, they'd sit at the kitchen table and hold hands for a while before we all went out to walk the garden.

I worked as a PSW for seniors in my twenties, and moments like that are why I loved the work. But I also watched, up close, what that kind of devotion costs the person giving it. Caregiving is a 24/7 job with little support and even less recognition, and the people doing it are running on empty far more often than anyone realizes.

There are no awards for sacrificing your well-being to get through your to-do list. Yet if you've ever faced burnout, you know we do it anyway. Depending on the study, burnout rates hover in the high 70s. If you're feeling it, you are nowhere near alone.

Today I want to talk specifically about caregiver burnout, because caregivers are so often the ones nobody thinks to check in on. All the attention goes to the person receiving care. The person giving it quietly goes without.

Caregiving 101

Caregiving becomes necessary as our minds and bodies begin to break down, sometimes gradually with age, sometimes suddenly with a diagnosis at any age. Diseases like MS and dementia bring increasing responsibility as they progress. And, of course, there's the necessary care for the dying.

Caregivers range from nurses and PSWs in a facility, to paid caregivers who come into the home, to family members who quietly absorb the bulk of it all. The job can grow into a full-time one without anyone naming it that: helping someone dress, coordinating appointments, cooking, cleaning, managing finances, performing medical care, or simply sitting with someone so they aren't alone.

It's easy for the caregiver's own needs to slide to the bottom of that list. Many are also part of the "sandwich generation," caring for aging parents while working full-time and raising their own kids. It's not hard to imagine them falling into bed exhausted every night.

"Burnout can occur when caregivers don't get the help they need or if they try to do more than they're able to either physically or financially." Alua Arthur

What Caregiver Burnout Actually Looks Like

Fatigue and exhaustion
Changes in weight
Trouble sleeping
Depression or anxiety, sometimes both at once
Disorganized thinking
A persistent, low-grade feeling of being overwhelmed

The Grief Nobody Warns You About

All of this can be complicated by anticipatory grief, the emotional purgatory that shows up before a loss. It comes with its own tangled mix of feelings:

Dreading the moment of death
Mourning each loss of mobility or cognitive function, one at a time
Grieving the future you'd imagined together
Grieving the companionship that's already slipping away
Guilt for wishing an end to someone's suffering
Reliving shared laughter and good memories
Relief when the suffering finally ends, and guilt about that relief, too

Anticipatory grief is made up of all the small losses that happen along the way, and it can feel painful, confusing, and deeply isolating. Not every caregiver experiences it, and it's not reserved for caregivers alone, but it is common, and it is completely normal.

How to Actually Support a Caregiver

Ask about them first. It's an easy habit to ask how the person receiving care is doing and stop there. Ask the caregiver how they're doing before anything else, and mean it.

Give them room to step away. Offer to run one errand, or simply sit with their loved one so they can take a walk, get a haircut, see the dentist, or watch a movie alone. Whatever gives them the exhale they haven't let themselves take.

Help them find support. It's hard to know what's available. Helping a caregiver, especially a family member, track down a support group, hospice care, grief counseling, or someone like a death doula or PSW can be the thing that lets them start prioritizing their own wellness. It takes a village. The National Alliance for Caregiving and the National Respite Network are good places to start.

Name anticipatory grief out loud. Share this article, or just say the words. There's real power in someone recognizing their experience and being given room to talk about it without judgment.

Caregivers step into the room when someone is at their most vulnerable. That's a position of deep trust and deep cost. If we can listen, offer real resources, give them time to recharge, and hold space for what they're carrying, maybe we can help stop some of that burnout before it takes hold.